"definition of "over" doesn't have to be the end
it's good to see you grow girl shake my hand
that's all I want from my ex-lover and my best friend
I got your back
don't ever fucking question that
I got your back
always have
I still got your back."


OMG okay so I'm going to see Atmosphere on friday, I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED. I CANNOT WAIT. I'm not quite sure who's going with me but i'll go by myself if I have to! I hope I get to see some people I know there, that'd be cool.
& then I'm supposed to go see Tool with Evan on saturday but I have to work. : //// & he can't go to Atmosphere cause he has to do something for his alcohol class or whatever. ANYWAYS, life's been really good lately. Even though I keep running into my ex's. hahah. I don't get what's up with them, like when I was going out with javy he would never go to Rocky with me but when we stopped going out he started going & then Calvin would never go to Grand with me but once we broke up he starts showing up. They both used to talk about how gayy Rocky & Grand were & then they just start showing up. but javy used to go to Grand all the time while we were going out so I'm not like saying that he....whatever. anyways.
I wish I could be friends with them, sounds weird but it sucks having that. Like it's this person you were so close to & then it just turns into hate. It kinda sucks, but I don't hate calvin.

ENOUGH OF THAT.
I love my job so far. except a few people. I lost my name tag haha I hope they don't fire me for that. but I doubt they will. Oh I work at the Ralph's off of Twin Oaks, anyone who reads this should come visit me! hahahh


A creature made of sunshine
Her eyes were like the sky
Rabbit howls like something old as we twitch to her lullaby
The scalpel shines in god's sunshine
Street lights whisper pain
Down here near the poison stream our god has gone insane

She smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
With blood on her hands into the sun she stares
She feels it die, I heard her cry (verse x2)

Like the scream of the butterfly

Sunshine a house in flames
She likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
Surgery in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I will resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares cause the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?

There's blood on the moon and the summer is cold
There's love in the room but baby that's gettin' old
There's blood on my face sittin' on a dead shore
A highway of emptiness and I'm gettin' bored

There's blood on the moon as we plan our escape
The goddess in bloom, handcuffed and raped
There's blood in the bathtub, baby, murder the king
There's blood on the moon
There's blood on just about everything

Sunshine a house in flames
She likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
Surgery in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I will resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares? 'Cause the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?

Something cold is forced inside her
A tear spills down her cheek
Stillborn songs of a dead dreamer
Hymns of the needle freak
With sunlight in her hair she smiles like she don't care
Her dreams are liquid blue
I cut myself again and again to remind myself of you

She smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
With blood on her hands into the sun she stares
She feels it die, I heard her cry

Like the scream of the butterfly

I met an angel with a sawed-off shotgun
Wanted by the FBI
We dropped some acid, killed our parents
Then we hit the road
Like the scream of the butterfly

this is basically an overview of my day. not that interesting.

balls, so things were looking up for today.
which I can't say that it was a bad day, but it wasn't exactly a good day.
haha idk, it was like a weird strange week wrapped up into one thursday.
I had an interview at Ralph's, which I was totally stoked about & super nervous.
So I wake up at 6 because it's at 9 & I get there & 9 & apparently the lady that was interviewing me doesn't come in till 11. So I go home then come back at 11 & she doesn't get there until 11:30. Then during the interview I was doing really good until one question, "Why do you want to work at Ralph's?" I bombed that question, but everything else was really good. but then this lady was all confused when I was filling out the application thing & made me take it home so my parents could sign it because I'm a minor & then I have to go back on Sunday for my drug test. ballssssss, I hope I pass it. I'm pretty sure I will though.
Then after that we (Kaitlyn & Martin) went to the pool & the one guy that I think is really hot was there, because he's there everyday. but then kaitlyn & I went on a little joy ride in martin's car around the corner. & his mom found out & flipped out then took his car. which the whole situation was just reaaalyyyyyyyyyyyy strange. Then I saw the cute greaser at Albertsons which is the first time I've seen him in like 6 months since the DVD incident. but he's so beautiful, his eyes are super green & he has a big pomp. balls, I just wish I had the balls to talk to him. I want to invite him to the Zombie walk but idk how.
Then we get back to my house & bbq & I got in like the first fight in a while with my dad & it was weird. so then after dinner Kaitlyn & I decided to rent a movie so we went to albertsons then blockbuster & at blockbuster I saw this one oldish greaser guy that I always see at palomar there & it was strange. Then kaitlyn's mom called her & was upset so I had to take her home, now I'm sitting here writing about it. balls.

ugh. I hate being sick & I hate boys.
srsly.



I can't wait for this week though.
& that cutie at albertsons & for grand & for my dress to be finished!

about 200 miles till we get home.
so we should be home around 2 p.m.




delicious.

Texas Trip
Day 8:

So I haven't been very good at updating hah but whatever.
I'm getting really sick of being with my family. Like we've been together 24/7, seriously.
I miss having my own room & I miss my baby girl. (my dog)
but we're almost home. about 500 more miles, thank god.
I'm kind of bummed that I didn't really buy anything.
All I got was a few gifts for some people, 2 T-shirts, 6 postcards, and a travel coffee cup mug.
but whatever, I'll have to go on a road trip with some friends & I can buy more stuff.
hahah
so I'm doing a liquid fast before prom just because I've gained a few Lbs on this vacation
& my dress was already quite tight before I left & I paid too much to have it not fit, hahahh.
but I'm buying a juicer & fruits & veggies & stuff but I was wondering what juices would taste good together.
Like I don't want to buy all this fruit & try it & hate it & have it be a waste of money.
& I'm sure the juicer comes with recipes already but I just wanted to know if anyone else already knew some tasty recipes that they'd like to share with me. : )


So before I left my tonsils were sort of bugging me. Like they didn't hurt or anything but they were quite large. Like way bigger than they're supposed to be & it was kind of strange. But I was just like "whatever" but then we went to this Ripley's Believe it or Not, Haunted Adventure & it's like this haunted house where they have actors chasing you & stuff & I was screaming my lungs out & I coughed up something. Like it was a little rock or something but I was in a pitch black room so I couldn't tell what it was. and after that, that's when they actually starting bothering me. & I was checking them out & there was like a little white spot on one of them & it's kind of freaked me out. I haven't smoked for like 2 weeks & I stopped before they actually started bothering me. but that's probably what's causing it & it's freaking me out. but before I stoped there was one day where I chain smoked alll day long & I think that might have irritated them. but I hope it's nothing a little anti biotics can't fix.

well...that's all for now.
I might add more later.

Day 2:
A brand new baby was born yesterday
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said "Your tears are like mine"
I heard some words
From a friend on the phone
That didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
I'll miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out
One comes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

269 to El Paso!!!

   So it's day 2 of our Texas trip and so far so good. Minus the naked man last night (I'll elaborate later). hahaha & I REALLLLYYYY need a shower. At first I was a little worried because yesterday before we left everyone was really stressed and we were all just yelling at each other but it's turned out alot better. We're all getting along & keeping each other company and I'm pleasently surpriesed.
  
    I'm listening to Jack Johnson right now & its a little reminder of how much I love his music! I know that when I get older I'm still going to love & enjoy his muisc as much as I do today. He will always be a favorite of mine. & going to his concert was one of the best experiences of my life.


   Okay, so this naked man. I was walking up to my room & all of the blinds are closed on every other room in the hotel except for this one room. So naturally I peek inside, bad idea. There was a naked man laying on his bed with all the lights off & the t.v. on. I'm gonna guess he was around 47. I'm forever scarred, but at least I have a good story to tell. hahahh

         1. So I'm leaving for Texas tomorrow at night and I'm super excited! I wish I could just have all my friends come say goodbye to me but that's not gonna happen. I also will have internet while I'm gone so it won't be like I'm completely gone.
          2. I've also been very confused with a certain someone, a few select people know. But it's just like, "MAKE UP YOU'RE MIND ALREADY" if you're gonna be with me, then "do it" but if you're not, then stop acting like you're with me when we hang out. Like kissing me & holding me & acting like you're my boyfriend. It just confuses me. Like you want to be with me but you're not willing to make some changes. Or you lead me on to thinking you'll do it but then I don't hear from you & it's like nothing ever happened. Either jump on or get out of my life. I hate this. Seriously. & don't say you want to change or tell me things about how you didn't do this or didn't do that just because it's what you think I want to hear. Do it because you want to do it. & if you're not going to or don't want to, I really don't want you in my life. Or if you're gonna be in my life, don't act like you're my boyfriend, but only when we hang out. Like what is that? seriously. This may not make sense to anyone that reads this, but I just need to get it out. My horoscope says I need to talk about my anger & frustrations & get it out. so there it is. hahahh
          3. Also, I hope I don't have to repeat computers just because I missed a couple final projects but at the same time I wish I could so I could get a better grade. balls. why do I suck at school. 
          4. Today I went to the dentist & I love my dentist. Growing up I hated the dentist with a passion. I despised going. but now I look forward to it. seriously. they're always so cheery in there, and it's not like the kind of cheery that's like "oh god, could you just jump off a bridge or something." it's like contagious cheery. & they're super nice. & the dentist says stuff like bueno & word. who doesn't want a dentist like that. plus, I got vicodin. so wohoo!

Okay, well I really have to finish packing & doing laundry. I hope everyone's doing well & you should hit me up while I'm away. AIM; atmosXXlyfe & Cell; don't be shy, ask me. I'd really appriciate it! Goodnight! : )

wohoo! Happy mothers day!

anyone know where I can get some nice new shades?
: )

I really want/need a job!
anyone know where I can get one?
hahah

I'm so excited to move out.
srsly.

 

The latter part of today was a good day.
I skipped both of my classes but it was hottt as balls, seriously. I hate the heat.
but then whitney came over & we rented the cheesiest '70's horror film but we didn't get to watch all of it.
& we explored the skate park by my house & discovered how amazing it was & that it had a dog park which I'm
extremely stoked to take my dog to! I can't wait. seriously.

I want to start doing like b-movie acting, not even lying. 
You don't have to be a good actress & I've TOTALLY got the scream down
I've been told since I was little that I had a b-movie scream.
That would be awesome.

I want a massage, bad.

wow, it's been quite a while since I've posted anything.
I have a food baby right now, so uncomfortable.
but I just got home from the shooting range. : )
I love going to the shooting range. 
life's changing so much.
but it's whatev's.
Idk what else I was gonna right.
If you know any good B-movies, send 'em my way.
Also, AIM atmosXXlyfe
doooo ittttttt

I'm super bored right now.
I skipped class & I don't want to get ready to go to photography.
: ( ballls.
I'm soooo lazy I hate it.
I think I'm just gonna stay home all day today.
ugh.

 Dead girl
There will never be another one that dreams like you
Dead girl
There will never be another one that screams like you
When death sleeps, it dreams of you
Delilah played the dead girl at the freak show
She smiles like a ghost
Like zombies eatin' dust in Mexico
Life dries cold beneath the dead soul lights
She asked if it would hurt
I smiled and said no
The lie ran down my chin like embryo
She smiles like a corpse
Like zombies eatin' dust in Mexico
Life dries cold beneath the dead soul lights
When death sleeps, it dreams of you
Dead girl
There will never be another one to look in your eyes
Dead girl
There will never be another one that bleeds like you
I been dryin' in a dead age
I been reekin' of the new plague
The sound of the ocean is dead
It's just the echo of the blood in your head
Sister burn the temple
And stand beneath the moon
The sound of the ocean is dead
It's just the echo of the blood in your head
Burning your black flags
Burning your black flags
I been dryin' in a dead age
I been reekin' of the new plague
The sound of the ocean is dead
It's just the echo of the blood in your head
Sister burn the temple
And stand beneath the moon
The sound of the ocean is dead
It's just the echo of the blood in your head
Burning your black flags
Burning your black flags

Usually I hate easter, okay hate is a little strong but dislike. I usually dislike easter. I don't like all the pastels, the little children, & just the boringness of it but this year, easter was amazing.
I woke up to the sunshine coming in through my window, my puppy on my bed licking my face, & the smell of bacon. : )
hahah so I walk downstairs & there's a plate of bacon & eggs waiting for me & the best easter basket I've ever had. haha the other day my mom and I were talking about easter baskets & I mentioned how I missed getting one, & I got one this year. 
& this may seem childish or whatever but I don't care. anyways, I had to find all the hidden easter eggs before I got to look inside my basket. haha I'm not gonna lie, I LOVED IT!
Then I went to church with Whitney & we watched little kids all day but I don't really feel like going into the rest of my day.
but haha yea, it was really good & I loved it.

Seriously,
 Some people just need to let it go. Fucking ex girlfriends are pains in the asses. At least I don't fucking stalk my ex's current girlfriends & I don't harass them. Or when they think they're the fucking shit. I'm pissed obviously. hahah but at the same time, this is fucking hilarious & bound to get interesting. I've never been involved in drama my whole life. Like I've always stayed away from it. But I think that since I skipped that middle school stage of being catty & bitchy that now I'm going through it. if that makes sense. but it kinda feels good. Idk. 
but this girl seriously picked the wrong girls to fight with. because I'm fucking loaded.
ANYWAYS,
today was.....interesting, to say the least. I went to my grandparents house up in temecula & I got to see my aunt vicki who I haven't seen in years because she moved to Idaho & it was awesome to see them & I was looking forward to it all week. But it was kind of strange because my grandma is starting to suffer from alzheimers & it's weird. It's like she's there physically, but mentally she's not at all. & She just always had this blank expression of confusion & idk meaness I guess, like permanently on her face. And she's like soooo doped up on meds that she just passed out by the end of our visit. It's weird, because it's like I'm watching her die. & my grandpa is talking about separating from my grandma. Like how weird, they're so old, you would think that they'd just stay together. But if you knew the situation, I guess it makes sense. Like my grandpa takes care of my soon to be mindless grandma so much. she is sooooooooo dependent upon him. & I think it's really taking a toll on him. She's not who she used to be & I think it hurts him. so I see where he's coming from but at the same time, it's like, "wtf?" & I can see it really taking a toll on my mom who's already under tons of stress with her job and I feel bad & I want to help but idk what to do. idk if that made any sense, but I get it. sort of. I'm just confused about everything.

Whatever, anyways. I got to have a great talk with my aunt about everything going on in life & I think our relationship is stronger than ever & my grandparents have this really cool library & I read these awesome books about 1940's films & actors & it was awesome.
I can't wait to go back so I can read more.

I'm excited for today.
I'm getting mah hairr did & grand tonight with Whitney
& I'm getting new gauges.
Idk what else is going on but I'm excited.
& I took so many good pictures yesterday I'm excited.
I think I'm gonna try & post my favorites on here if I can figure out how to.

 balls, I really need to start being nice to people when I'm hanging out with them.
I always act like a jerk & then feel bad afterwards & then want to hang out with them again to be nicer, if that makes sense.
ANYWAYS, today was good.
gots to eat souplan with the bestie & then go to the beach with mah love bird.
it wasn't as romantic as I had hoped but I'm over it.
Stoked for tomorrow,
I might smoke with my shelly!

Okay,
well goodnight.

Balls, I wish I knew how to have like a non dysfunctional relationship, if that makes sense. I just feel like I have no clue how to have a healthy relationship with another person. Like dating wise. I mean when I think about it, all the relationships I have surrounding me are extremely dysfunctional so I don't know anything else & it bothers me. Like when Calvin does something & I get mad I can never tell if I'm just over reacting or what he did is really wrong. I'm constantly doubting myself, my feelings, and my actions. A year ago I totally thought I had it all figured it all out & now I feel like I am the most lost I have ever been in my life. I really have no clue what I'm doing at all & it's scary. I want someone to take me on a date. I want someone who when they say "let's hang out" they mean let's go do something cute like going to the beach for a nice walk & then seeing a movie or something, not why don't you drive to my house & then when you get here you can sit & watch me watch t.v. and smoke pot. I want a guy who has a job & will take me on dates, buy me flowers, picks me up for a date. A guy that always wakes me up with a good morning text & waits for me to fall asleep first. And being a greaser doesn't hurt either. 
I know I can be a really good girlfriend but I can only show it when the actions are reciprocated. Am I asking too much? 
I feel like I never push for what I want. I always just let things slide. I never want to be the girlfriend that all the guys complain about. I think I've got so caught up in not being that, that I've completely put aside my needs to put the needs of whoever wanted to date me on the top of my priority list. I talk about being a strong woman, but when push comes to shove, I'm a doormat. I want to be a strong woman but I also don't  want to be alone. I want to be a good girlfriend, I want to be able to trust guys, and not be so insecure. Is that too much to ask. 

I don't want to end up like my parents, and I don't want to be like my dad & always hold my feelings in & become an asshole but I don't want to be one of those overly emotional girls. Idk I just want to be happy & I want to find a great guy. I really hope grand helps me with that. Like seriously it's been over one year since my last serious relationship & that's way to long. I'm totally ready but it's just not happening. Idk. Hopefully something happens.

This entry is just going to be complaining.
Bawlz, I hate being a girl sometimes.
I hate having to deal with all these emotions and such.
It just sucks. & sometimes I feel like I just have an excess of emotions, like why can't I just hand some of that baggage to half the men in the world. & I get these crazy mood swings too, I feel like I'm bipolar or something, (I know I'm not, I just feel like it sometimes.) I go through the craziest mood swings and I feel like I'm over reacting to everything. Ugh, I hate it. & I can't explain it either. I lash out on unsuspecting people and then have to explain my unexplainable behavior. Maybe it's just my lack of sleep lately that's causing the mood swings.
Ugh, whatever. I have to get off the computer now, so I'll finish this later.

Oh boy, I have so much to write in this thing and it's only my first day of having it.

So I just got back from Souplantation with my mom and it was surprisingly one of the best meals i've had in a while, which I wasn't expecting. When we pulled up there was a line of people out the door & all I could think was, OH great, I am the most irritable I've been in a while & the last thing I want to do is try and eat dinner with a thousand little kids & soccer moms running around for a school fundraiser.
But anyways, the reason that it was so enjoyable was because my mom and I talked. Okay well it was more like me talking and my mom listening but it was really nice. We got in a fight yesterday and hadn't talked since but I finally just started talking to her tonight and it just all came out. Probably not one of the best settings for a talk sesh but it worked. I let her know what was going on in my life and she listened. 

One of the things we were talking about was jealousy, insecurities and related issues. Lately there have been certain people who think that I have "changed" or whatever that means. To me it means that I am branching away from them and growing in other ways, and they can't handle it. I'm not trying to be mean but that's what I think. Yes, I dyed my hair, yes I cut my bangs, yes I actually put on makeup now. So what. I'm growing up, I'm 17, I'm going to change. To me it just shows that you're unable to grow and you're jealous of the fact that I'm moving forward in my life.

Which brings me to something else I've been dealing with alot lately, jealousy. Not only my feelings of jealousy towards other people but their feelings of it towards me. Everyone gets jealous at one time or another in there life and it sucks. And when people get jealous they always tend to turn it into some sort of competition. Whatever happened to doing what you want and what you like because you like it. Why must people feel the need to out do everyone else. The only thing coming out of this is one person succeeding in making someone else feel even more insecure about themselves and continuing this vicious cycle. Idk if this is making any sense. I guess it made more sense when I was talking about it to my mom earlier.

So as some of you may know I am taking yoga this semester at Palomar and at first I was just taking it to have a class where I can relax in and maybe get a little exercise but I'm actually gaining some more out of it. I've been trying to think about what my teacher talks about in yoga and how it matches up with my life. one of the things she talks about is finding the pure light within you, and this next part may sound super "tree huger"-ish of me but it makes so much sense. I was trying to think like a "tree hugger" and I was just spitting out things that I think a person like that would say and then I actually thought about what I was saying and it totally makes sense. Here's one that caught me in particular, material possessions cause jealousy. Which means that to live without jealousy and hatered you need to remove these material things from your life. And it's totally true. If my friend were to go out and get a brand new bmw, I would be extremely jealous of her. But what I'm really jealous of is the car, which is a material thing. Now I'm not saying that I'm gonna go out and give all my stuff away and just wear sheets for clothes and chant all day but I should just focus on the main things that are important in life. Like what really matters, the health of the earth, your body, and the loving relationships of you and those around you. hahaahh, I'm not sure if any one can follow that but I get it and that's all that matters.